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Note to Japonica Sue: This was meant to be for you, but I realized half way through I kept taking to the Harkness that lives in your head. My point being that I’m afraid you’ll have to share this rant with him, and anyone else that happens across this (you have no one to blame but yourself - you’re the one that broke me remember?)
I know you said you wanted the great grind rant, but are you really sure you’ve thought this through? As much as people say they want that perfect cup of coffee, they usually don’t care to know how it got that way, and they like to think the people preparing their food and drink are relatively sane. In fact, it’s often preferred that we remember what they like and how they like it, serving it up with a smile and as little actual talking as possible. After all, what good are manners to you when you haven’t had any caffeine yet? Maybe that’s one of the main reasons we barista types have a tendency towards sarcasm with a side of bitter (better us be bitter than you AM go juice, right?)
Now I fear that you have suddenly remembered the intensity of this rant, and might even be getting ready to click this closed and run from the madness. But before you decide, let me just say I love my job. Most of the customers are great and happy to have a quick chat with the girl that gets their day going. I believe our problems boil down to these two things - that the awful people are ever so much more vocal, and that punching people in the throat is somewhat frowned upon in the service industry. So what is a barista to do? We store all that pent up aggression, with a sarcastic leak here and there to avoid explosion, saving most of it for venting to those that are good enough friends to listen. Then you get to nod and smile helplessly while wondering how much longer it will continue. And after we wind down (finally) from that tirade, we get to the root of our bad mood that day. And, strangely enough, the major issue isn’t that so-and-so gave me a blank stare and walked off after I said have a great day (how was I supposed to know their sister’s boyfriend’s cousin’s hamster had just died and now life is over?) This time the real major malfunction is that someone messed with the settings on our grinder. You know - that giant thing that holds all the coffee beans on top and with a series of whirring growly grindy noises spews out the lovely ground espresso to, in theory, make the perfect shot. I say ‘in theory’ because sometimes our grind is off, and that is more upsetting than you can possibly imagine. Maybe it was a case of the machine’s vibrations jarring the setting knob off (it happens)…maybe a coworker didn’t tamp their last shot right and instead of adjusting their own pressure they blamed the grind and spun the dial willy nilly (grrrrrr)….or maybe someone (*cough*jack*cough*) got a little carried away with a certain other someone (*cough*Ianto*cough*) in the hub and the grinder found itself taking the fast road from the counter to the floor. Regardless of how it happened, the settings are now off and the person who has to fix it is NOT going to be happy. In fact this is going to ruin their whole day.
I’m sorry Jack, but you’re going to have to hear about this one now. And, unless you *like* gasping your way back to life, I suggest you don’t tell Ianto that he spends enough time in front of the blasted machine that he should know the number setting and be able to just spin it back. Don’t say the words, just don’t! I’m warning you for you own health and safety! JACK BE QUIET!!! ….You didn’t listen though, did you? Shit. Sue? Can you please control your inner Harkness? Thank you. Since I’m sure Ianto is now speechlessly filled with impotent rage (which I have been assured is the only impotent part of him), I’ll have to be the one to explain why you are oh so very wrong.
You see, like the barista boys and girls themselves, there are many parts to their processes and equipment that are both testy and quirky. Your milk will try to froth over on a humid day, your fruit flavors will curdle milk with irritating inconsistency, and those number settings on the grinder? All lies. 4 ¼ on Monday won’t be the same as 4 ¼ on Wednesday if someone fiddled with it on Tuesday. Why not? No one knows. It is a mystery. But I can promise you (quit giggling sue) that I’d know if you messed with it while I was gone. How? Because my 20 lbs (30 max!) of tamping pressure will not produce the 18 second shot I want anymore. It’ll either fly through at 10 seconds (might as well drink decaf) or struggle drip by drip at 25 or 30 seconds (fancy drinking tar? I thought not) So I would have to spend who knows how long changing it by tiny increments and timing (I guess the stopwatch isn’t just a sex toy, who knew?) Each and every shot. Woohoo! Good times. In my life there is being done there is a never ending, never slowing, flow of people wanting non crap coffee. Honestly, until I get the settings fixed, its not up to par for a bunch of those people. I’m hoping they are all too tired to notice. Now poor Ianto over there doesn’t have a long line of customers, he has you lot. Smaller in numbers yes, but also a bit more testy. So if you were planning to come up to someone in this situation and crack little jokes - not a good idea right now. Especially since you are the one most responsible for the giant crack in the hopper. Yes the duct tape was noticed. No it was not appreciated. And that cute little smirk? Not so cute. In fact, Jack, you might want to buy the poor boy a new state of the art grinder (he wanted to replace the burrs anyhow), and do yourself a favor and get him a couple upgrades and service the whole machine. The last thing you want is for Ianto to find you tangled up in the hoses and wiring so spring for the professional setup, you can always retcon the guy before he leaves. But retcon should not be used as an opportunity to skip on the bill, after all isn’t it a small price to pay for Ianto’s happiness?
So hours later you have successfully made it to the end of this rant. Way to go! Hope this gave you all the info you wanted without scarring you too badly. I’m afraid this one got away from me a little (please still be my friend!) Can’t wait to see what you (and Jack) do with this info
Sincerely,
Patelyne BDH
PS Please remember to tip your baristas, it’s the only way we can afford the therapy we need.
I know you said you wanted the great grind rant, but are you really sure you’ve thought this through? As much as people say they want that perfect cup of coffee, they usually don’t care to know how it got that way, and they like to think the people preparing their food and drink are relatively sane. In fact, it’s often preferred that we remember what they like and how they like it, serving it up with a smile and as little actual talking as possible. After all, what good are manners to you when you haven’t had any caffeine yet? Maybe that’s one of the main reasons we barista types have a tendency towards sarcasm with a side of bitter (better us be bitter than you AM go juice, right?)
Now I fear that you have suddenly remembered the intensity of this rant, and might even be getting ready to click this closed and run from the madness. But before you decide, let me just say I love my job. Most of the customers are great and happy to have a quick chat with the girl that gets their day going. I believe our problems boil down to these two things - that the awful people are ever so much more vocal, and that punching people in the throat is somewhat frowned upon in the service industry. So what is a barista to do? We store all that pent up aggression, with a sarcastic leak here and there to avoid explosion, saving most of it for venting to those that are good enough friends to listen. Then you get to nod and smile helplessly while wondering how much longer it will continue. And after we wind down (finally) from that tirade, we get to the root of our bad mood that day. And, strangely enough, the major issue isn’t that so-and-so gave me a blank stare and walked off after I said have a great day (how was I supposed to know their sister’s boyfriend’s cousin’s hamster had just died and now life is over?) This time the real major malfunction is that someone messed with the settings on our grinder. You know - that giant thing that holds all the coffee beans on top and with a series of whirring growly grindy noises spews out the lovely ground espresso to, in theory, make the perfect shot. I say ‘in theory’ because sometimes our grind is off, and that is more upsetting than you can possibly imagine. Maybe it was a case of the machine’s vibrations jarring the setting knob off (it happens)…maybe a coworker didn’t tamp their last shot right and instead of adjusting their own pressure they blamed the grind and spun the dial willy nilly (grrrrrr)….or maybe someone (*cough*jack*cough*) got a little carried away with a certain other someone (*cough*Ianto*cough*) in the hub and the grinder found itself taking the fast road from the counter to the floor. Regardless of how it happened, the settings are now off and the person who has to fix it is NOT going to be happy. In fact this is going to ruin their whole day.
I’m sorry Jack, but you’re going to have to hear about this one now. And, unless you *like* gasping your way back to life, I suggest you don’t tell Ianto that he spends enough time in front of the blasted machine that he should know the number setting and be able to just spin it back. Don’t say the words, just don’t! I’m warning you for you own health and safety! JACK BE QUIET!!! ….You didn’t listen though, did you? Shit. Sue? Can you please control your inner Harkness? Thank you. Since I’m sure Ianto is now speechlessly filled with impotent rage (which I have been assured is the only impotent part of him), I’ll have to be the one to explain why you are oh so very wrong.
You see, like the barista boys and girls themselves, there are many parts to their processes and equipment that are both testy and quirky. Your milk will try to froth over on a humid day, your fruit flavors will curdle milk with irritating inconsistency, and those number settings on the grinder? All lies. 4 ¼ on Monday won’t be the same as 4 ¼ on Wednesday if someone fiddled with it on Tuesday. Why not? No one knows. It is a mystery. But I can promise you (quit giggling sue) that I’d know if you messed with it while I was gone. How? Because my 20 lbs (30 max!) of tamping pressure will not produce the 18 second shot I want anymore. It’ll either fly through at 10 seconds (might as well drink decaf) or struggle drip by drip at 25 or 30 seconds (fancy drinking tar? I thought not) So I would have to spend who knows how long changing it by tiny increments and timing (I guess the stopwatch isn’t just a sex toy, who knew?) Each and every shot. Woohoo! Good times. In my life there is being done there is a never ending, never slowing, flow of people wanting non crap coffee. Honestly, until I get the settings fixed, its not up to par for a bunch of those people. I’m hoping they are all too tired to notice. Now poor Ianto over there doesn’t have a long line of customers, he has you lot. Smaller in numbers yes, but also a bit more testy. So if you were planning to come up to someone in this situation and crack little jokes - not a good idea right now. Especially since you are the one most responsible for the giant crack in the hopper. Yes the duct tape was noticed. No it was not appreciated. And that cute little smirk? Not so cute. In fact, Jack, you might want to buy the poor boy a new state of the art grinder (he wanted to replace the burrs anyhow), and do yourself a favor and get him a couple upgrades and service the whole machine. The last thing you want is for Ianto to find you tangled up in the hoses and wiring so spring for the professional setup, you can always retcon the guy before he leaves. But retcon should not be used as an opportunity to skip on the bill, after all isn’t it a small price to pay for Ianto’s happiness?
So hours later you have successfully made it to the end of this rant. Way to go! Hope this gave you all the info you wanted without scarring you too badly. I’m afraid this one got away from me a little (please still be my friend!) Can’t wait to see what you (and Jack) do with this info
Sincerely,
Patelyne BDH
PS Please remember to tip your baristas, it’s the only way we can afford the therapy we need.
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no subject
Date: 2009-03-07 04:52 pm (UTC)From:Besides, I wasn't too kind, you deserved it all!!! You are fantabulous after all
no subject
Date: 2009-03-07 04:58 pm (UTC)From:And no, *you guys* are fantabulous...I would say I just dabble but can see that comment getting out of hand (oops I did just say it. damn)
no subject
Date: 2009-03-07 05:04 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-03-08 10:11 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-03-08 10:16 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-03-08 10:18 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-03-08 10:42 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-03-08 07:47 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-03-08 07:53 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-03-08 08:25 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-03-08 08:37 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-03-08 08:42 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-03-08 10:02 pm (UTC)From:as for it being cracked up, I would say it is more... yeah, it's cracked up :D
here's a question for you (for determining how worthy he is). what are rlbf thoughts on handcuffs? (as if this wasn't cracky enough :D )
no subject
Date: 2009-03-08 10:12 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-03-08 10:15 am (UTC)From: